Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards.

more midnight ramblings

So its not really midnight(its 3 am).
I just spent a few days in the hospital. Mom took me in because I was having some pretty severe pain in my lower back and upper abdominal area. They found my potassium was extremely high as well as my calcium level. Not sure why, but they are back to near normal. Kidney function tests show some decline in kidney function from the previous test. They kept me on a monitor nearly the entire time I was there, it only showed a few contractions a day, most of which I didn't even notice. In 2 wks they will be starting me on steroids to help the babies lungs mature a little faster, give them better odds if born to early.

Overall, it wasn't to bad a stay, and I am feeling better. They think its just muscle pain from the strain of the pregnancy, my belly growing to fast etc. I got the lecture again about taking the pain meds they put me on before. I really hate them and I admit I hadn't been taking them much.
Asher is still alive. Sometimes I need that confirmation. I have found a doctor willing to see me when needed while I am here at moms, even if thats just a couple weeks. He wants me to stop in tomorrow for an office ultrasound to check Ashers heartbeat. It's been hovering around 100, which isn't to good.

I keep telling myself I am prepared for this emotionally. But I know I'm not.
Methodical. Thats what mom called me. I have post it note lists all over my laptop, the book I'm reading, my headboard. ok, even my lamp has some. Things we still need to take care of, things I need to get, things to ask the doc. Every few days I organize them in a notebook. It's all part of the OCD. My last doc thinks I may also have ADD.

In other words...we are fairly certain we have names chosen for the other two. Mathew Aidan, and Lillith Aaliyah Samara. We may change our minds down the road, but for now those are their names.

For those that noticed, yes they are predominantly Hebrew names. A little background that is factoring into many things. My maternal grandmother is Jewish. My Mother is a convert to Catholicism. I was born and raised a Catholic. However, according to Judaism's law of matrilineal descent, Jewish identity is passed on via the mother only, so traditionally, I am considered a Jew, as will my children be. From a religious/church standpoint, I am Catholic. Our children will be Baptized into the church. This does create some conflict between my mother and grandmother, most of which I ignore. My grandmother has come to me and asked me to incorporate some aspects of her faith into the funeral of Asher and into the babies lives. I will meet with her and see what she wants to do. I will not raise the kids duel religions, but I will be more than happy for them to learn their heritage.

anyway, lots of ramblings.

rambling

Things are okish. Still having the occasional contraction, but they aren't even bad enough to wake me up.

However, my blood sugar has been doing some crazy things lately. up and down and all over the place. Moms been waking me every 2 hrs since I have been sleeping through my alarm, to check my sugar, make me eat, or give me a shot. Tonight it was 370, way high considering what I have been eating. Should be a lot lot lower. So another shot. and the needle was dull. that means another bruise dammit. Oh well.
I have discovered that stretch marks are really tough. Needles, new or old, don't like to go through them. Yes, I still get most of my shots in my belly. I can't do them in my butt myself, and each one is to much insulin to do in my arm, it hurts. Never been able to tolerate them in my thighs. So stomach it is. For 17 yrs now its been my stomach. Deal with it, I do.
Tonight its just random ramblings. My head is eh, not sure really. Kind of all over the place tonight.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading lately. Mom keeps telling me to stop, I will drive myself crazy. I threw a book at her.

Today I got this comment "I find myself grieving with every woman who is introduced to motherhood in traumatic ways". She was speaking in regards to c sections...

Preterm Labor(PTL)

Round 1-
ME 1
PTL 0

Spent half of last night and most of today at the hospital having contractions 5 mins apart.
They put me on magnesium sulfate IV at the hospital and once contractions stopped they put me on terbutaline orally. Then kept me all day to make sure the Terbutaline would keep them stopped. It did and I went home this afternoon, still on bedrest and still waiting patiently.

In baby news, Ashers heart rate has dropped below 100 with short periods where it was 90-110.
The perinatologist said that given the stead drop over the past 2 wks he may not live much longer.
We just hope that its long enough for the other two to be viable, 21 wks doesn't give much hope.

• 21 weeks or less: 0 percent survival rate
• 22 weeks: 0–10 percent survival rate
• 23 weeks: 10–35 percent survival rate
• 24 weeks: 40–70 percent survival rate
• 25 weeks: 50–80 percent survival rate
• 26 weeks: 80–90 percent survival rate
• 27 weeks: greater than 90 percent survival rate

Dates. I'm fixated on them. July 12 is the goal, 28 wks. First goal was 12 wks, then 20 wks, now 28. It seems so far away I'm considering making another before, 24 wks maybe, then 32, then 36. I have OCD, deal with it, I do.


More questions...
What will happen with the other babies if Asher were to die now?
Would that start labor?
does it increase risk of infection?
Will it put the other two at greater risk of growth retardation or other complications?

and FFS, quit referring to him as my sick baby. He's not sick. if he were they could probably fix him.

rage. anger.

Rage. Uncontrollable rage in me. The anger I feel at going through all this only to lose one of my babies. I can't tell anyone how I feel. People think I'm crazy already for being willing to go through this.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about my baby dying. How am I supposed to feel knowing I carry him inside me like he is.
yeah. I'm crazy for going through with this. Maybe I should have done a reduction early on. We might have gotten lucky and killed the right one. Or maybe not.
Who can I talk to that won't be freaked out by the dead baby factor?
People tell me it will be best to forget him. I can't. and I know I can't talk about him.
I am in pain. physical and emotional.
moms up and we are headed to the hospital. likely having contractions. 21 wks. Will I still be pregnant tomorrow?
I am drowning. I need to breathe.

Dear Asher,
I feel like I am giving up on you. We have decided not to subject you to possibly painful medical procedures in an attempt to prolong your life. We have decided to accept you for however long God gives you to us. But am I giving you a fair chance? Am I wrong in not accepting full treatment? They said a vent could prolong your life. Do I want to make you stay in this world any longer than necessary? I will feed you, I consider that a comfort care and not life prolonging. They tell me you won't feel hunger or thirst, but I want to err on the side of caution. I don't want you to feel any discomfort. I only want you to feel the love of your family. I hope you don't grow tired of being in someones arms, because we won't put you down until you have to leave us.
There is joy in my heart that you will be in the arms of our Lord, and one day I will see you again. Yet also sorrow that I am keeping you safe in me, birthing you, and knowing you won't be living at home with me, that I won't get to raise you.
I need to trust that God has a plan for you, for me and your dad, and for your siblings, and one day we may know that plan.
Forever in my heart.

I saw the doctor yesterday, not MY doctor, one of the other clinic docs. I didn't like him. I also saw a dietitian before that. I didn't like her either.
I'm still 10 lbs below my prepregnancy weight, at 20 wks.
It's not for lack of trying.
I just throw up everything I eat or drink. I have been keeping track of everything I eat, amounts, and how soon after I throw up. A lame attempt at finding what stays down the longest. It's not working. I'm being threatened with a feeding tube. I asked the doc what good will that do, its just putting it in by a different route. In all fairness though, breathing triggers my gag reflex. Yes, its that bad.
I have, at times, found success drinking ice cold water before I try to eat. I guess it numbs things a bit?
The midwife at the clinic said that unofficially she would suggest smoking marijuana. Yes, pot. She said 1 hit off a join 2-3 times a day should help the nausea significantly.
She gave us a stack of studies done on it. My husband and mother are encouraging me. My sister in law said "are you trying to kill yourself and the babies?"
No, but the doc said I slowly am starving them. HELLO??? I'm not doing this on purpose tyvm.
That was twice yesterday I was accused of trying to kill my babies. First time was the medical assistant that weighed me at the dietitians office. She said are you trying to hurt your babies or keep your figure. I admit I yelled at her a bit. Mom heard me out in the waiting room.

In other words...I am moving Friday. Mom and I are driving the motor home to Seattle. I will stay with her till Mike gets us a house and settled in Spokane. Then mom and I will be driving back there to join him. She will be doing all the driving. I don't fit behind the steering wheel of the motor home.

Selfish me

I have moments I just want to throw myself into bed just sobbing. And right now is one. So I lay here tears streaming down my cheeks thinking how I want to be done with this pregnancy already, but at the same time I don't because I know what will happen. At least pregnant I still have him with me.
Some days I want to rant. Scream at everyone. I want them know my heart is broken. But I also find myself not wanting to share him. I want to be selfish. He is MINE.
For now he is. And I DON'T have to share him with anyone if I don't want to.
I feel I shouldn't talk about him, that no one wants to hear about him, so i try to be quiet and ignore the ache inside.
I don't know any pregnant mom that hasn't been excited about their baby. I want to be bu the dread is there.
I shouldn't have to be planning a funeral the same time I'm planning a birth. I shouldn't have to be afraid to talk about my babies, all of them, but I am.
Mom got me a teddy bear for him. I sleep with it every day. I don't know if I will be able to give it up to him. It's covered in my tears.

Acceptance...A concept I'm having a very hard time with.
Not just acceptance of Ashers condition, but acceptance that I can't fix it. Acceptance of my own mortality, my inability to make things right.

Jealousy, there's some of that also. When I hear of a young woman who has 3 under 18 months and she's expecting. She's going to have 4 under 2 yrs. She talked about aborting if this one had a defect, specifically down syndrome. I got upset though, and made the comment that at least downs is survivable. It didn't, and they decided to keep it. I find I am jealous of her ease of procreation.

It is an amazing gift, children are, and some people don't realize how luck they are. Anger, I have a lot of that and haven't found a good outlet for it yet. Oh I've yelled, and cried, and even thrown things(evidenced by a dismantled crib in the yard), but I really don't know how to handle it. It builds and builds and then explodes. I've taken it out on people that well didn't deserve it.


Someone said the other day "at least God is giving you two others." I said no, God didn't give me any, Dr. Montville did."
I need to remember that Dr. M's actions were blessed by God, and ultimately it is by God's grace that I am pregnant now. And it is God's decision to allow me to have Asher, for however long that may be. For that I should be thankful.

The biggest conflict in my mind is what to call them. I know there are three, triplets, but I will only be taking two home.
Do I live with explaining constantly as I'm sure referring to them as triplets will result in?
My biggest fear? That Asher will be forgotten. That others won't remember him, his place on this Earth, his role as a sibling, his meaning for me.
Even now while still pregnant I'm sometimes at a loss as to what to say. Mostly I say I'm having three, but one has a birth defect that's not compatible with life. Most people get that, others say I'm sorry I hope he recovers quickly. It makes me wonder if they don't understand what I'm saying, or just don't know what to answer.

Dear baby boy,
I promise to never forget you. You will always be in my heart. Your siblings will know you as I do, and anyone that will listen will learn.
Just because you aren't here physically doesn't mean that I don't have you with me.
Love mommy