I'm sick. just a stupid cold. But even a cold makes my blood sugar go really haywire and high bad. It also means I have to avoid dad(who had his last chemo yesterday! yay!).
I've spent most of the day shut in my room, humidifier steaming strong with a heating pad on my lower back and a hot pack on my neck thats infused with menthol and eucalyptus essential oils. It's actually heavenly feeling. I admit, I can seriously be a whiney baby when I'm sick. Simple colds are the worst though.
Lots of warm fuzzy blankets a heating pad or hot pack, a bottle of water a bottle of juice and a cup of hot tea.
on the list of things that should probably offend me but don't, My mother had some friends over yesterday. She introduced her unborn grandbabies first.
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
idiots sometimes rule the world.
Weird situation I'm dealing with.
I know a person that has 3 kids, two are twins, under the age of 18 months. She claims she never knew she was pregnant with her first until a couple weeks before he was born, never had symptoms, had done pregnancy tests but they were all negative etc. Then bam, pregnant and having a kid. With the twins, she found out only a couple months before they were born. Same thing, tested negative etc.
So, now she is pregnant again. Due july 30-aug 15th. She says she is 25 wks. I'm 22 wks due oct 4th with a planned birth of sept 3rd. but if she is due aug 15th that would make her nearly 30 wks.
Is my math off or does this make no sense?
Last week she had an episode of bleeding and she says first they told her she was having a period. then they said a miscarriage. and now they are doing another ultrasound on friday because the one they did that day didn't show anything wrong.
Another friend confided in me that this person told her the doctors told her that its all in her head. So...for now I don't let it get to me. Ignore her.
What really got me this morning was a conversation with her.
We were talking about Asher dying. And I was talking about how in some ways its more difficult than the multiple miscarriages. They were sudden and unexpected, this I have months to think about and prepare for. She said "yes I know exactly how you feel, with the others i only had like weeks to get ready but this one is bad."
How can it be bad? It's wonderful to have time to prepare for a baby. I know I have 2 others to get ready for. I know I have time to try to prepare for Ashers death. but ffs. how the hell do you ever prepare yourself for the death of a baby compared to the birth of a baby?
I know a person that has 3 kids, two are twins, under the age of 18 months. She claims she never knew she was pregnant with her first until a couple weeks before he was born, never had symptoms, had done pregnancy tests but they were all negative etc. Then bam, pregnant and having a kid. With the twins, she found out only a couple months before they were born. Same thing, tested negative etc.
So, now she is pregnant again. Due july 30-aug 15th. She says she is 25 wks. I'm 22 wks due oct 4th with a planned birth of sept 3rd. but if she is due aug 15th that would make her nearly 30 wks.
Is my math off or does this make no sense?
Last week she had an episode of bleeding and she says first they told her she was having a period. then they said a miscarriage. and now they are doing another ultrasound on friday because the one they did that day didn't show anything wrong.
Another friend confided in me that this person told her the doctors told her that its all in her head. So...for now I don't let it get to me. Ignore her.
What really got me this morning was a conversation with her.
We were talking about Asher dying. And I was talking about how in some ways its more difficult than the multiple miscarriages. They were sudden and unexpected, this I have months to think about and prepare for. She said "yes I know exactly how you feel, with the others i only had like weeks to get ready but this one is bad."
How can it be bad? It's wonderful to have time to prepare for a baby. I know I have 2 others to get ready for. I know I have time to try to prepare for Ashers death. but ffs. how the hell do you ever prepare yourself for the death of a baby compared to the birth of a baby?
I feel so self centered and selfish right now. I *know* there are other moms going through this right now. I know there is one at least that will be delivering this week. I want to reach out, give her hugs, encouragement, but its so hard to because I know soon I will be that mom.
I had 3 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. Each sudden and unexpected. This is different. I have months and months to know my baby will die. I have months to prepare for it. How exactly are you supposed to prepare for your baby dying? I know I also have 2 to prepare for that will live, but sometimes I can't even think of getting ready for them. There is that small but what if in my head. You know, the what if something happens to them...it will be easier if I am not ready. It's not fair to them. What kind of mother am I going to be able to be to them when I'm already grieving?
I pray. a lot. I pray for God to do something. and I pray for strength. I think my faith is weak.
I had 3 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. Each sudden and unexpected. This is different. I have months and months to know my baby will die. I have months to prepare for it. How exactly are you supposed to prepare for your baby dying? I know I also have 2 to prepare for that will live, but sometimes I can't even think of getting ready for them. There is that small but what if in my head. You know, the what if something happens to them...it will be easier if I am not ready. It's not fair to them. What kind of mother am I going to be able to be to them when I'm already grieving?
I pray. a lot. I pray for God to do something. and I pray for strength. I think my faith is weak.
Monday, May 31, 2010
more midnight ramblings
So its not really midnight(its 3 am).
I just spent a few days in the hospital. Mom took me in because I was having some pretty severe pain in my lower back and upper abdominal area. They found my potassium was extremely high as well as my calcium level. Not sure why, but they are back to near normal. Kidney function tests show some decline in kidney function from the previous test. They kept me on a monitor nearly the entire time I was there, it only showed a few contractions a day, most of which I didn't even notice. In 2 wks they will be starting me on steroids to help the babies lungs mature a little faster, give them better odds if born to early.
Overall, it wasn't to bad a stay, and I am feeling better. They think its just muscle pain from the strain of the pregnancy, my belly growing to fast etc. I got the lecture again about taking the pain meds they put me on before. I really hate them and I admit I hadn't been taking them much.
Asher is still alive. Sometimes I need that confirmation. I have found a doctor willing to see me when needed while I am here at moms, even if thats just a couple weeks. He wants me to stop in tomorrow for an office ultrasound to check Ashers heartbeat. It's been hovering around 100, which isn't to good.
I keep telling myself I am prepared for this emotionally. But I know I'm not.
Methodical. Thats what mom called me. I have post it note lists all over my laptop, the book I'm reading, my headboard. ok, even my lamp has some. Things we still need to take care of, things I need to get, things to ask the doc. Every few days I organize them in a notebook. It's all part of the OCD. My last doc thinks I may also have ADD.
In other words...we are fairly certain we have names chosen for the other two. Mathew Aidan, and Lillith Aaliyah Samara. We may change our minds down the road, but for now those are their names.
For those that noticed, yes they are predominantly Hebrew names. A little background that is factoring into many things. My maternal grandmother is Jewish. My Mother is a convert to Catholicism. I was born and raised a Catholic. However, according to Judaism's law of matrilineal descent, Jewish identity is passed on via the mother only, so traditionally, I am considered a Jew, as will my children be. From a religious/church standpoint, I am Catholic. Our children will be Baptized into the church. This does create some conflict between my mother and grandmother, most of which I ignore. My grandmother has come to me and asked me to incorporate some aspects of her faith into the funeral of Asher and into the babies lives. I will meet with her and see what she wants to do. I will not raise the kids duel religions, but I will be more than happy for them to learn their heritage.
anyway, lots of ramblings.
I just spent a few days in the hospital. Mom took me in because I was having some pretty severe pain in my lower back and upper abdominal area. They found my potassium was extremely high as well as my calcium level. Not sure why, but they are back to near normal. Kidney function tests show some decline in kidney function from the previous test. They kept me on a monitor nearly the entire time I was there, it only showed a few contractions a day, most of which I didn't even notice. In 2 wks they will be starting me on steroids to help the babies lungs mature a little faster, give them better odds if born to early.
Overall, it wasn't to bad a stay, and I am feeling better. They think its just muscle pain from the strain of the pregnancy, my belly growing to fast etc. I got the lecture again about taking the pain meds they put me on before. I really hate them and I admit I hadn't been taking them much.
Asher is still alive. Sometimes I need that confirmation. I have found a doctor willing to see me when needed while I am here at moms, even if thats just a couple weeks. He wants me to stop in tomorrow for an office ultrasound to check Ashers heartbeat. It's been hovering around 100, which isn't to good.
I keep telling myself I am prepared for this emotionally. But I know I'm not.
Methodical. Thats what mom called me. I have post it note lists all over my laptop, the book I'm reading, my headboard. ok, even my lamp has some. Things we still need to take care of, things I need to get, things to ask the doc. Every few days I organize them in a notebook. It's all part of the OCD. My last doc thinks I may also have ADD.
In other words...we are fairly certain we have names chosen for the other two. Mathew Aidan, and Lillith Aaliyah Samara. We may change our minds down the road, but for now those are their names.
For those that noticed, yes they are predominantly Hebrew names. A little background that is factoring into many things. My maternal grandmother is Jewish. My Mother is a convert to Catholicism. I was born and raised a Catholic. However, according to Judaism's law of matrilineal descent, Jewish identity is passed on via the mother only, so traditionally, I am considered a Jew, as will my children be. From a religious/church standpoint, I am Catholic. Our children will be Baptized into the church. This does create some conflict between my mother and grandmother, most of which I ignore. My grandmother has come to me and asked me to incorporate some aspects of her faith into the funeral of Asher and into the babies lives. I will meet with her and see what she wants to do. I will not raise the kids duel religions, but I will be more than happy for them to learn their heritage.
anyway, lots of ramblings.
Friday, May 28, 2010
rambling
Things are okish. Still having the occasional contraction, but they aren't even bad enough to wake me up.
However, my blood sugar has been doing some crazy things lately. up and down and all over the place. Moms been waking me every 2 hrs since I have been sleeping through my alarm, to check my sugar, make me eat, or give me a shot. Tonight it was 370, way high considering what I have been eating. Should be a lot lot lower. So another shot. and the needle was dull. that means another bruise dammit. Oh well.
I have discovered that stretch marks are really tough. Needles, new or old, don't like to go through them. Yes, I still get most of my shots in my belly. I can't do them in my butt myself, and each one is to much insulin to do in my arm, it hurts. Never been able to tolerate them in my thighs. So stomach it is. For 17 yrs now its been my stomach. Deal with it, I do.
Tonight its just random ramblings. My head is eh, not sure really. Kind of all over the place tonight.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading lately. Mom keeps telling me to stop, I will drive myself crazy. I threw a book at her.
However, my blood sugar has been doing some crazy things lately. up and down and all over the place. Moms been waking me every 2 hrs since I have been sleeping through my alarm, to check my sugar, make me eat, or give me a shot. Tonight it was 370, way high considering what I have been eating. Should be a lot lot lower. So another shot. and the needle was dull. that means another bruise dammit. Oh well.
I have discovered that stretch marks are really tough. Needles, new or old, don't like to go through them. Yes, I still get most of my shots in my belly. I can't do them in my butt myself, and each one is to much insulin to do in my arm, it hurts. Never been able to tolerate them in my thighs. So stomach it is. For 17 yrs now its been my stomach. Deal with it, I do.
Tonight its just random ramblings. My head is eh, not sure really. Kind of all over the place tonight.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading lately. Mom keeps telling me to stop, I will drive myself crazy. I threw a book at her.
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