Selfish me

I have moments I just want to throw myself into bed just sobbing. And right now is one. So I lay here tears streaming down my cheeks thinking how I want to be done with this pregnancy already, but at the same time I don't because I know what will happen. At least pregnant I still have him with me.
Some days I want to rant. Scream at everyone. I want them know my heart is broken. But I also find myself not wanting to share him. I want to be selfish. He is MINE.
For now he is. And I DON'T have to share him with anyone if I don't want to.
I feel I shouldn't talk about him, that no one wants to hear about him, so i try to be quiet and ignore the ache inside.
I don't know any pregnant mom that hasn't been excited about their baby. I want to be bu the dread is there.
I shouldn't have to be planning a funeral the same time I'm planning a birth. I shouldn't have to be afraid to talk about my babies, all of them, but I am.
Mom got me a teddy bear for him. I sleep with it every day. I don't know if I will be able to give it up to him. It's covered in my tears.