Thursday, April 22, 2010

What do you do when they tell you one of your triplets won't live? How do you react? What do you say when they tell you your son has just a brain stem?
I admit, my first thought was excuse me doc, but men don't have brains anyway.
Anencephaly. Absence of the brain and part of the skull. A neural tube defect, of which most are preventable with folic acid supplements. So why does our son have this? I took my supplements. I took extra folic acid. But Asher still has this.
Because of my high risk status I see the OB weekly. He does a quick ultrasound in the clinic to check the heartbeats, it's easier than listening and trying to figure out which one is which. At my 15 wk apt he got the best look yet at baby 3. He sent us for a real ultrasound at Benefis. He was there, a perinatologist/OB(Dr. B) who is taking over my care, a neonatologist(Dr. D)that will take care of the babies after birth, and a nurse from the birth center.
There they found we are having 2 boys and a girl, and that one of the boys has anencephaly. Asher Quinn is his name. We felt he needed a name now. The back of his skull failed to form, and he only has a brain stem.
He is alive now, and may be born alive, I hope with all my heart he is.
How do you react when someone asks how you are doing? I don't know how to react. I don't know what to say. or do. I think no one really wants to hear, so I just say I'm ok, When in reality my days and nights are filled with tears, and pretending things are ok when others are around.
I feel like the sky has fallen on me. And the world will never be the same again.

Dear Asher,
The day I found out about you my heart sang. We had recently been told that there were only two of you, and the third hadn't made it. But then there you were, hiding behind your sister. I don't think I stopped smiling for several days.
I admit to being scared at having three babies depending on me for life, but knowing these are to be our only children, I was thrilled.
You were wanted and loved from the start, and you will be to the end.

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