Friday, April 30, 2010

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

The most frequent things I am asked are "why not terminate?" and "what if you find something with the others?"

Lets start with the first. Because this baby is a blessing from God. Every life is sacred and we should do what we can to protect it. I believe God gave me this baby for a reason, and I just need to discover why. Is it to teach me patience? I know I lack in that category sometimes. Being on full bed rest I have to have patience. I asked the Doc if things would have been different with 1, or even just 2 babies, he said most likely, but we will never know. I can't focus on that, but on what we have now.

The second...What if there is something wrong with them? I won't terminate for that either. What will it do to me emotionally...who knows, I will probably have a complete nervous breakdown. No, I can handle it. So far there is nothing showing wrong with them. Their heart beats are beautiful with all 4 chambers seen and their heads perfectly round with the skull intact. Livers are present, 2 perfectly shaped kidneys. The ultrasounds have been perfect, its not likely to find something now.
I'm dealing with knowing I will have a funeral shortly after birth for one. I live knowing its because of a birth defect that can be prevented in 99.9% of the cases. FOLIC ACID.
I will admit that I could better emotionally handle just about any other birth defect, as most of them don't result in death.

It all brings to mind Dickens...
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.

I questions myself. My ability to handle this. I'm 21. I'm pregnant. I'm going to give birth, followed by a funeral. How do you even start to plan for that?

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