Acceptance...A concept I'm having a very hard time with.
Not just acceptance of Ashers condition, but acceptance that I can't fix it. Acceptance of my own mortality, my inability to make things right.
Jealousy, there's some of that also. When I hear of a young woman who has 3 under 18 months and she's expecting. She's going to have 4 under 2 yrs. She talked about aborting if this one had a defect, specifically down syndrome. I got upset though, and made the comment that at least downs is survivable. It didn't, and they decided to keep it. I find I am jealous of her ease of procreation.
It is an amazing gift, children are, and some people don't realize how luck they are. Anger, I have a lot of that and haven't found a good outlet for it yet. Oh I've yelled, and cried, and even thrown things(evidenced by a dismantled crib in the yard), but I really don't know how to handle it. It builds and builds and then explodes. I've taken it out on people that well didn't deserve it.
Someone said the other day "at least God is giving you two others." I said no, God didn't give me any, Dr. Montville did."
I need to remember that Dr. M's actions were blessed by God, and ultimately it is by God's grace that I am pregnant now. And it is God's decision to allow me to have Asher, for however long that may be. For that I should be thankful.