Thursday, May 13, 2010

Selfish me

I have moments I just want to throw myself into bed just sobbing. And right now is one. So I lay here tears streaming down my cheeks thinking how I want to be done with this pregnancy already, but at the same time I don't because I know what will happen. At least pregnant I still have him with me.
Some days I want to rant. Scream at everyone. I want them know my heart is broken. But I also find myself not wanting to share him. I want to be selfish. He is MINE.
For now he is. And I DON'T have to share him with anyone if I don't want to.
I feel I shouldn't talk about him, that no one wants to hear about him, so i try to be quiet and ignore the ache inside.
I don't know any pregnant mom that hasn't been excited about their baby. I want to be bu the dread is there.
I shouldn't have to be planning a funeral the same time I'm planning a birth. I shouldn't have to be afraid to talk about my babies, all of them, but I am.
Mom got me a teddy bear for him. I sleep with it every day. I don't know if I will be able to give it up to him. It's covered in my tears.


  1. i recomend getting a teddy bear that you can record his/their heartbeats on...then you wiill always have it close to you. for some it helps and for others itmakes things harder. Whatever yours may be we will continue to pray for you

  2. *hug* How sweet of your mom to give you a precious teddy bear. I think enjoying the time you have with Asher and all three together is a great way to go about it, though I know its difficult either way. There are moments like that and that is ok. There is nothing wrong with you feeling this way, your time is extremely precious and you are not expected to share it. I am here to listen if you ever need me, I love hearing about your Asher and his siblings. Thank you for sharing your journey.

    love and prayers