Tuesday, May 25, 2010

rage. anger.

Rage. Uncontrollable rage in me. The anger I feel at going through all this only to lose one of my babies. I can't tell anyone how I feel. People think I'm crazy already for being willing to go through this.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about my baby dying. How am I supposed to feel knowing I carry him inside me like he is.
yeah. I'm crazy for going through with this. Maybe I should have done a reduction early on. We might have gotten lucky and killed the right one. Or maybe not.
Who can I talk to that won't be freaked out by the dead baby factor?
People tell me it will be best to forget him. I can't. and I know I can't talk about him.
I am in pain. physical and emotional.
moms up and we are headed to the hospital. likely having contractions. 21 wks. Will I still be pregnant tomorrow?
I am drowning. I need to breathe.


  1. Jerri,
    Hang in there honey. You are doing the right thing. You are doing what you feel in your heart is the right thing. Try not to listen to negative people. THEY are making you crazy. What are they thinking? Asher is your angel baby. He is looking out for the other two. I pray that he holds on. He is the one who will be your guardian angel. You have given him a chance for life. He will thank you in so many ways....ways that you may never realize. This is a difficult time.....it will make you so strong....strong enough to handle whatever happens with Asher and the other two babies. Please let me know when you have names for them, I feel bad calling them "the other two"


  2. lol Kim, I keep calling them the other two also...
    We do have their first names chosen, at least at this point we are pretty sure... Lillith, and Mathew.