Ashers water is leaking.
On steroids, antibiotics, and mag sulfate to try to keep labor stopped, for the other two.
This doc said its Asher. It doesn't matter, he is going to die anyway.
2 wks. 2 more wks. thats the goal.
On the wall I have a chart of survival rates based on gestational age. I'm 24 wks.
at 24 weeks: 40-70% survival rate
at 25 weeks: 50-80% survival rate
at 26 weeks: 80-90% survival rate
at 27 weeks: greater than 90% survival rate
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Saturday, June 12, 2010
Back in the hospital. Have been dealing with preterm labor and trying to stop it, and pneumonia.
Mike is here for the weekend, but come sunday evening if things are pretty stable as they are now, he will be headed back home, but will come back next weekend.
We want to transfer me to the hospital back home, but don't know at this point if that will happen.
Mike is here for the weekend, but come sunday evening if things are pretty stable as they are now, he will be headed back home, but will come back next weekend.
We want to transfer me to the hospital back home, but don't know at this point if that will happen.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
Thursday, June 3, 2010
I have a cold dammit.
I'm sick. just a stupid cold. But even a cold makes my blood sugar go really haywire and high bad. It also means I have to avoid dad(who had his last chemo yesterday! yay!).
I've spent most of the day shut in my room, humidifier steaming strong with a heating pad on my lower back and a hot pack on my neck thats infused with menthol and eucalyptus essential oils. It's actually heavenly feeling. I admit, I can seriously be a whiney baby when I'm sick. Simple colds are the worst though.
Lots of warm fuzzy blankets a heating pad or hot pack, a bottle of water a bottle of juice and a cup of hot tea.
on the list of things that should probably offend me but don't, My mother had some friends over yesterday. She introduced her unborn grandbabies first.
I've spent most of the day shut in my room, humidifier steaming strong with a heating pad on my lower back and a hot pack on my neck thats infused with menthol and eucalyptus essential oils. It's actually heavenly feeling. I admit, I can seriously be a whiney baby when I'm sick. Simple colds are the worst though.
Lots of warm fuzzy blankets a heating pad or hot pack, a bottle of water a bottle of juice and a cup of hot tea.
on the list of things that should probably offend me but don't, My mother had some friends over yesterday. She introduced her unborn grandbabies first.
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
idiots sometimes rule the world.
Weird situation I'm dealing with.
I know a person that has 3 kids, two are twins, under the age of 18 months. She claims she never knew she was pregnant with her first until a couple weeks before he was born, never had symptoms, had done pregnancy tests but they were all negative etc. Then bam, pregnant and having a kid. With the twins, she found out only a couple months before they were born. Same thing, tested negative etc.
So, now she is pregnant again. Due july 30-aug 15th. She says she is 25 wks. I'm 22 wks due oct 4th with a planned birth of sept 3rd. but if she is due aug 15th that would make her nearly 30 wks.
Is my math off or does this make no sense?
Last week she had an episode of bleeding and she says first they told her she was having a period. then they said a miscarriage. and now they are doing another ultrasound on friday because the one they did that day didn't show anything wrong.
Another friend confided in me that this person told her the doctors told her that its all in her head. So...for now I don't let it get to me. Ignore her.
What really got me this morning was a conversation with her.
We were talking about Asher dying. And I was talking about how in some ways its more difficult than the multiple miscarriages. They were sudden and unexpected, this I have months to think about and prepare for. She said "yes I know exactly how you feel, with the others i only had like weeks to get ready but this one is bad."
How can it be bad? It's wonderful to have time to prepare for a baby. I know I have 2 others to get ready for. I know I have time to try to prepare for Ashers death. but ffs. how the hell do you ever prepare yourself for the death of a baby compared to the birth of a baby?
I know a person that has 3 kids, two are twins, under the age of 18 months. She claims she never knew she was pregnant with her first until a couple weeks before he was born, never had symptoms, had done pregnancy tests but they were all negative etc. Then bam, pregnant and having a kid. With the twins, she found out only a couple months before they were born. Same thing, tested negative etc.
So, now she is pregnant again. Due july 30-aug 15th. She says she is 25 wks. I'm 22 wks due oct 4th with a planned birth of sept 3rd. but if she is due aug 15th that would make her nearly 30 wks.
Is my math off or does this make no sense?
Last week she had an episode of bleeding and she says first they told her she was having a period. then they said a miscarriage. and now they are doing another ultrasound on friday because the one they did that day didn't show anything wrong.
Another friend confided in me that this person told her the doctors told her that its all in her head. So...for now I don't let it get to me. Ignore her.
What really got me this morning was a conversation with her.
We were talking about Asher dying. And I was talking about how in some ways its more difficult than the multiple miscarriages. They were sudden and unexpected, this I have months to think about and prepare for. She said "yes I know exactly how you feel, with the others i only had like weeks to get ready but this one is bad."
How can it be bad? It's wonderful to have time to prepare for a baby. I know I have 2 others to get ready for. I know I have time to try to prepare for Ashers death. but ffs. how the hell do you ever prepare yourself for the death of a baby compared to the birth of a baby?
I feel so self centered and selfish right now. I *know* there are other moms going through this right now. I know there is one at least that will be delivering this week. I want to reach out, give her hugs, encouragement, but its so hard to because I know soon I will be that mom.
I had 3 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. Each sudden and unexpected. This is different. I have months and months to know my baby will die. I have months to prepare for it. How exactly are you supposed to prepare for your baby dying? I know I also have 2 to prepare for that will live, but sometimes I can't even think of getting ready for them. There is that small but what if in my head. You know, the what if something happens to them...it will be easier if I am not ready. It's not fair to them. What kind of mother am I going to be able to be to them when I'm already grieving?
I pray. a lot. I pray for God to do something. and I pray for strength. I think my faith is weak.
I had 3 miscarriages prior to this pregnancy. Each sudden and unexpected. This is different. I have months and months to know my baby will die. I have months to prepare for it. How exactly are you supposed to prepare for your baby dying? I know I also have 2 to prepare for that will live, but sometimes I can't even think of getting ready for them. There is that small but what if in my head. You know, the what if something happens to them...it will be easier if I am not ready. It's not fair to them. What kind of mother am I going to be able to be to them when I'm already grieving?
I pray. a lot. I pray for God to do something. and I pray for strength. I think my faith is weak.
Monday, May 31, 2010
more midnight ramblings
So its not really midnight(its 3 am).
I just spent a few days in the hospital. Mom took me in because I was having some pretty severe pain in my lower back and upper abdominal area. They found my potassium was extremely high as well as my calcium level. Not sure why, but they are back to near normal. Kidney function tests show some decline in kidney function from the previous test. They kept me on a monitor nearly the entire time I was there, it only showed a few contractions a day, most of which I didn't even notice. In 2 wks they will be starting me on steroids to help the babies lungs mature a little faster, give them better odds if born to early.
Overall, it wasn't to bad a stay, and I am feeling better. They think its just muscle pain from the strain of the pregnancy, my belly growing to fast etc. I got the lecture again about taking the pain meds they put me on before. I really hate them and I admit I hadn't been taking them much.
Asher is still alive. Sometimes I need that confirmation. I have found a doctor willing to see me when needed while I am here at moms, even if thats just a couple weeks. He wants me to stop in tomorrow for an office ultrasound to check Ashers heartbeat. It's been hovering around 100, which isn't to good.
I keep telling myself I am prepared for this emotionally. But I know I'm not.
Methodical. Thats what mom called me. I have post it note lists all over my laptop, the book I'm reading, my headboard. ok, even my lamp has some. Things we still need to take care of, things I need to get, things to ask the doc. Every few days I organize them in a notebook. It's all part of the OCD. My last doc thinks I may also have ADD.
In other words...we are fairly certain we have names chosen for the other two. Mathew Aidan, and Lillith Aaliyah Samara. We may change our minds down the road, but for now those are their names.
For those that noticed, yes they are predominantly Hebrew names. A little background that is factoring into many things. My maternal grandmother is Jewish. My Mother is a convert to Catholicism. I was born and raised a Catholic. However, according to Judaism's law of matrilineal descent, Jewish identity is passed on via the mother only, so traditionally, I am considered a Jew, as will my children be. From a religious/church standpoint, I am Catholic. Our children will be Baptized into the church. This does create some conflict between my mother and grandmother, most of which I ignore. My grandmother has come to me and asked me to incorporate some aspects of her faith into the funeral of Asher and into the babies lives. I will meet with her and see what she wants to do. I will not raise the kids duel religions, but I will be more than happy for them to learn their heritage.
anyway, lots of ramblings.
I just spent a few days in the hospital. Mom took me in because I was having some pretty severe pain in my lower back and upper abdominal area. They found my potassium was extremely high as well as my calcium level. Not sure why, but they are back to near normal. Kidney function tests show some decline in kidney function from the previous test. They kept me on a monitor nearly the entire time I was there, it only showed a few contractions a day, most of which I didn't even notice. In 2 wks they will be starting me on steroids to help the babies lungs mature a little faster, give them better odds if born to early.
Overall, it wasn't to bad a stay, and I am feeling better. They think its just muscle pain from the strain of the pregnancy, my belly growing to fast etc. I got the lecture again about taking the pain meds they put me on before. I really hate them and I admit I hadn't been taking them much.
Asher is still alive. Sometimes I need that confirmation. I have found a doctor willing to see me when needed while I am here at moms, even if thats just a couple weeks. He wants me to stop in tomorrow for an office ultrasound to check Ashers heartbeat. It's been hovering around 100, which isn't to good.
I keep telling myself I am prepared for this emotionally. But I know I'm not.
Methodical. Thats what mom called me. I have post it note lists all over my laptop, the book I'm reading, my headboard. ok, even my lamp has some. Things we still need to take care of, things I need to get, things to ask the doc. Every few days I organize them in a notebook. It's all part of the OCD. My last doc thinks I may also have ADD.
In other words...we are fairly certain we have names chosen for the other two. Mathew Aidan, and Lillith Aaliyah Samara. We may change our minds down the road, but for now those are their names.
For those that noticed, yes they are predominantly Hebrew names. A little background that is factoring into many things. My maternal grandmother is Jewish. My Mother is a convert to Catholicism. I was born and raised a Catholic. However, according to Judaism's law of matrilineal descent, Jewish identity is passed on via the mother only, so traditionally, I am considered a Jew, as will my children be. From a religious/church standpoint, I am Catholic. Our children will be Baptized into the church. This does create some conflict between my mother and grandmother, most of which I ignore. My grandmother has come to me and asked me to incorporate some aspects of her faith into the funeral of Asher and into the babies lives. I will meet with her and see what she wants to do. I will not raise the kids duel religions, but I will be more than happy for them to learn their heritage.
anyway, lots of ramblings.
Friday, May 28, 2010
rambling
Things are okish. Still having the occasional contraction, but they aren't even bad enough to wake me up.
However, my blood sugar has been doing some crazy things lately. up and down and all over the place. Moms been waking me every 2 hrs since I have been sleeping through my alarm, to check my sugar, make me eat, or give me a shot. Tonight it was 370, way high considering what I have been eating. Should be a lot lot lower. So another shot. and the needle was dull. that means another bruise dammit. Oh well.
I have discovered that stretch marks are really tough. Needles, new or old, don't like to go through them. Yes, I still get most of my shots in my belly. I can't do them in my butt myself, and each one is to much insulin to do in my arm, it hurts. Never been able to tolerate them in my thighs. So stomach it is. For 17 yrs now its been my stomach. Deal with it, I do.
Tonight its just random ramblings. My head is eh, not sure really. Kind of all over the place tonight.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading lately. Mom keeps telling me to stop, I will drive myself crazy. I threw a book at her.
However, my blood sugar has been doing some crazy things lately. up and down and all over the place. Moms been waking me every 2 hrs since I have been sleeping through my alarm, to check my sugar, make me eat, or give me a shot. Tonight it was 370, way high considering what I have been eating. Should be a lot lot lower. So another shot. and the needle was dull. that means another bruise dammit. Oh well.
I have discovered that stretch marks are really tough. Needles, new or old, don't like to go through them. Yes, I still get most of my shots in my belly. I can't do them in my butt myself, and each one is to much insulin to do in my arm, it hurts. Never been able to tolerate them in my thighs. So stomach it is. For 17 yrs now its been my stomach. Deal with it, I do.
Tonight its just random ramblings. My head is eh, not sure really. Kind of all over the place tonight.
I've been doing a lot of research and reading lately. Mom keeps telling me to stop, I will drive myself crazy. I threw a book at her.
Thursday, May 27, 2010
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Preterm Labor(PTL)
Round 1-
ME 1
PTL 0
Spent half of last night and most of today at the hospital having contractions 5 mins apart.
They put me on magnesium sulfate IV at the hospital and once contractions stopped they put me on terbutaline orally. Then kept me all day to make sure the Terbutaline would keep them stopped. It did and I went home this afternoon, still on bedrest and still waiting patiently.
In baby news, Ashers heart rate has dropped below 100 with short periods where it was 90-110.
The perinatologist said that given the stead drop over the past 2 wks he may not live much longer.
We just hope that its long enough for the other two to be viable, 21 wks doesn't give much hope.
Dates. I'm fixated on them. July 12 is the goal, 28 wks. First goal was 12 wks, then 20 wks, now 28. It seems so far away I'm considering making another before, 24 wks maybe, then 32, then 36. I have OCD, deal with it, I do.
More questions...
What will happen with the other babies if Asher were to die now?
Would that start labor?
does it increase risk of infection?
Will it put the other two at greater risk of growth retardation or other complications?
and FFS, quit referring to him as my sick baby. He's not sick. if he were they could probably fix him.
ME 1
PTL 0
Spent half of last night and most of today at the hospital having contractions 5 mins apart.
They put me on magnesium sulfate IV at the hospital and once contractions stopped they put me on terbutaline orally. Then kept me all day to make sure the Terbutaline would keep them stopped. It did and I went home this afternoon, still on bedrest and still waiting patiently.
In baby news, Ashers heart rate has dropped below 100 with short periods where it was 90-110.
The perinatologist said that given the stead drop over the past 2 wks he may not live much longer.
We just hope that its long enough for the other two to be viable, 21 wks doesn't give much hope.
- 21 weeks or less: 0 percent survival rate
- 22 weeks: 0–10 percent survival rate
- 23 weeks: 10–35 percent survival rate
- 24 weeks: 40–70 percent survival rate
- 25 weeks: 50–80 percent survival rate
- 26 weeks: 80–90 percent survival rate
- 27 weeks: greater than 90 percent survival rate
Dates. I'm fixated on them. July 12 is the goal, 28 wks. First goal was 12 wks, then 20 wks, now 28. It seems so far away I'm considering making another before, 24 wks maybe, then 32, then 36. I have OCD, deal with it, I do.
More questions...
What will happen with the other babies if Asher were to die now?
Would that start labor?
does it increase risk of infection?
Will it put the other two at greater risk of growth retardation or other complications?
and FFS, quit referring to him as my sick baby. He's not sick. if he were they could probably fix him.
rage. anger.
Rage. Uncontrollable rage in me. The anger I feel at going through all this only to lose one of my babies. I can't tell anyone how I feel. People think I'm crazy already for being willing to go through this.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about my baby dying. How am I supposed to feel knowing I carry him inside me like he is.
yeah. I'm crazy for going through with this. Maybe I should have done a reduction early on. We might have gotten lucky and killed the right one. Or maybe not.
Who can I talk to that won't be freaked out by the dead baby factor?
People tell me it will be best to forget him. I can't. and I know I can't talk about him.
I am in pain. physical and emotional.
moms up and we are headed to the hospital. likely having contractions. 21 wks. Will I still be pregnant tomorrow?
I am drowning. I need to breathe.
How the hell am I supposed to feel about my baby dying. How am I supposed to feel knowing I carry him inside me like he is.
yeah. I'm crazy for going through with this. Maybe I should have done a reduction early on. We might have gotten lucky and killed the right one. Or maybe not.
Who can I talk to that won't be freaked out by the dead baby factor?
People tell me it will be best to forget him. I can't. and I know I can't talk about him.
I am in pain. physical and emotional.
moms up and we are headed to the hospital. likely having contractions. 21 wks. Will I still be pregnant tomorrow?
I am drowning. I need to breathe.
Wednesday, May 19, 2010
Dear Asher,
I feel like I am giving up on you. We have decided not to subject you to possibly painful medical procedures in an attempt to prolong your life. We have decided to accept you for however long God gives you to us. But am I giving you a fair chance? Am I wrong in not accepting full treatment? They said a vent could prolong your life. Do I want to make you stay in this world any longer than necessary? I will feed you, I consider that a comfort care and not life prolonging. They tell me you won't feel hunger or thirst, but I want to err on the side of caution. I don't want you to feel any discomfort. I only want you to feel the love of your family. I hope you don't grow tired of being in someones arms, because we won't put you down until you have to leave us.
There is joy in my heart that you will be in the arms of our Lord, and one day I will see you again. Yet also sorrow that I am keeping you safe in me, birthing you, and knowing you won't be living at home with me, that I won't get to raise you.
I need to trust that God has a plan for you, for me and your dad, and for your siblings, and one day we may know that plan.
Forever in my heart.
I feel like I am giving up on you. We have decided not to subject you to possibly painful medical procedures in an attempt to prolong your life. We have decided to accept you for however long God gives you to us. But am I giving you a fair chance? Am I wrong in not accepting full treatment? They said a vent could prolong your life. Do I want to make you stay in this world any longer than necessary? I will feed you, I consider that a comfort care and not life prolonging. They tell me you won't feel hunger or thirst, but I want to err on the side of caution. I don't want you to feel any discomfort. I only want you to feel the love of your family. I hope you don't grow tired of being in someones arms, because we won't put you down until you have to leave us.
There is joy in my heart that you will be in the arms of our Lord, and one day I will see you again. Yet also sorrow that I am keeping you safe in me, birthing you, and knowing you won't be living at home with me, that I won't get to raise you.
I need to trust that God has a plan for you, for me and your dad, and for your siblings, and one day we may know that plan.
Forever in my heart.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
I saw the doctor yesterday, not MY doctor, one of the other clinic docs. I didn't like him. I also saw a dietitian before that. I didn't like her either.
I'm still 10 lbs below my prepregnancy weight, at 20 wks.
It's not for lack of trying.
I just throw up everything I eat or drink. I have been keeping track of everything I eat, amounts, and how soon after I throw up. A lame attempt at finding what stays down the longest. It's not working. I'm being threatened with a feeding tube. I asked the doc what good will that do, its just putting it in by a different route. In all fairness though, breathing triggers my gag reflex. Yes, its that bad.
I have, at times, found success drinking ice cold water before I try to eat. I guess it numbs things a bit?
The midwife at the clinic said that unofficially she would suggest smoking marijuana. Yes, pot. She said 1 hit off a join 2-3 times a day should help the nausea significantly.
She gave us a stack of studies done on it. My husband and mother are encouraging me. My sister in law said "are you trying to kill yourself and the babies?"
No, but the doc said I slowly am starving them. HELLO??? I'm not doing this on purpose tyvm.
That was twice yesterday I was accused of trying to kill my babies. First time was the medical assistant that weighed me at the dietitians office. She said are you trying to hurt your babies or keep your figure. I admit I yelled at her a bit. Mom heard me out in the waiting room.
In other words...I am moving Friday. Mom and I are driving the motor home to Seattle. I will stay with her till Mike gets us a house and settled in Spokane. Then mom and I will be driving back there to join him. She will be doing all the driving. I don't fit behind the steering wheel of the motor home.
I'm still 10 lbs below my prepregnancy weight, at 20 wks.
It's not for lack of trying.
I just throw up everything I eat or drink. I have been keeping track of everything I eat, amounts, and how soon after I throw up. A lame attempt at finding what stays down the longest. It's not working. I'm being threatened with a feeding tube. I asked the doc what good will that do, its just putting it in by a different route. In all fairness though, breathing triggers my gag reflex. Yes, its that bad.
I have, at times, found success drinking ice cold water before I try to eat. I guess it numbs things a bit?
The midwife at the clinic said that unofficially she would suggest smoking marijuana. Yes, pot. She said 1 hit off a join 2-3 times a day should help the nausea significantly.
She gave us a stack of studies done on it. My husband and mother are encouraging me. My sister in law said "are you trying to kill yourself and the babies?"
No, but the doc said I slowly am starving them. HELLO??? I'm not doing this on purpose tyvm.
That was twice yesterday I was accused of trying to kill my babies. First time was the medical assistant that weighed me at the dietitians office. She said are you trying to hurt your babies or keep your figure. I admit I yelled at her a bit. Mom heard me out in the waiting room.
In other words...I am moving Friday. Mom and I are driving the motor home to Seattle. I will stay with her till Mike gets us a house and settled in Spokane. Then mom and I will be driving back there to join him. She will be doing all the driving. I don't fit behind the steering wheel of the motor home.
Thursday, May 13, 2010
Selfish me
I have moments I just want to throw myself into bed just sobbing. And right now is one. So I lay here tears streaming down my cheeks thinking how I want to be done with this pregnancy already, but at the same time I don't because I know what will happen. At least pregnant I still have him with me.
Some days I want to rant. Scream at everyone. I want them know my heart is broken. But I also find myself not wanting to share him. I want to be selfish. He is MINE.
For now he is. And I DON'T have to share him with anyone if I don't want to.
I feel I shouldn't talk about him, that no one wants to hear about him, so i try to be quiet and ignore the ache inside.
I don't know any pregnant mom that hasn't been excited about their baby. I want to be bu the dread is there.
I shouldn't have to be planning a funeral the same time I'm planning a birth. I shouldn't have to be afraid to talk about my babies, all of them, but I am.
Mom got me a teddy bear for him. I sleep with it every day. I don't know if I will be able to give it up to him. It's covered in my tears.
Some days I want to rant. Scream at everyone. I want them know my heart is broken. But I also find myself not wanting to share him. I want to be selfish. He is MINE.
For now he is. And I DON'T have to share him with anyone if I don't want to.
I feel I shouldn't talk about him, that no one wants to hear about him, so i try to be quiet and ignore the ache inside.
I don't know any pregnant mom that hasn't been excited about their baby. I want to be bu the dread is there.
I shouldn't have to be planning a funeral the same time I'm planning a birth. I shouldn't have to be afraid to talk about my babies, all of them, but I am.
Mom got me a teddy bear for him. I sleep with it every day. I don't know if I will be able to give it up to him. It's covered in my tears.
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Acceptance...A concept I'm having a very hard time with.
Not just acceptance of Ashers condition, but acceptance that I can't fix it. Acceptance of my own mortality, my inability to make things right.
Jealousy, there's some of that also. When I hear of a young woman who has 3 under 18 months and she's expecting. She's going to have 4 under 2 yrs. She talked about aborting if this one had a defect, specifically down syndrome. I got upset though, and made the comment that at least downs is survivable. It didn't, and they decided to keep it. I find I am jealous of her ease of procreation.
It is an amazing gift, children are, and some people don't realize how luck they are. Anger, I have a lot of that and haven't found a good outlet for it yet. Oh I've yelled, and cried, and even thrown things(evidenced by a dismantled crib in the yard), but I really don't know how to handle it. It builds and builds and then explodes. I've taken it out on people that well didn't deserve it.
Someone said the other day "at least God is giving you two others." I said no, God didn't give me any, Dr. Montville did."
I need to remember that Dr. M's actions were blessed by God, and ultimately it is by God's grace that I am pregnant now. And it is God's decision to allow me to have Asher, for however long that may be. For that I should be thankful.
Not just acceptance of Ashers condition, but acceptance that I can't fix it. Acceptance of my own mortality, my inability to make things right.
Jealousy, there's some of that also. When I hear of a young woman who has 3 under 18 months and she's expecting. She's going to have 4 under 2 yrs. She talked about aborting if this one had a defect, specifically down syndrome. I got upset though, and made the comment that at least downs is survivable. It didn't, and they decided to keep it. I find I am jealous of her ease of procreation.
It is an amazing gift, children are, and some people don't realize how luck they are. Anger, I have a lot of that and haven't found a good outlet for it yet. Oh I've yelled, and cried, and even thrown things(evidenced by a dismantled crib in the yard), but I really don't know how to handle it. It builds and builds and then explodes. I've taken it out on people that well didn't deserve it.
Someone said the other day "at least God is giving you two others." I said no, God didn't give me any, Dr. Montville did."
I need to remember that Dr. M's actions were blessed by God, and ultimately it is by God's grace that I am pregnant now. And it is God's decision to allow me to have Asher, for however long that may be. For that I should be thankful.
Monday, May 3, 2010
The biggest conflict in my mind is what to call them. I know there are three, triplets, but I will only be taking two home.
Do I live with explaining constantly as I'm sure referring to them as triplets will result in?
My biggest fear? That Asher will be forgotten. That others won't remember him, his place on this Earth, his role as a sibling, his meaning for me.
Even now while still pregnant I'm sometimes at a loss as to what to say. Mostly I say I'm having three, but one has a birth defect that's not compatible with life. Most people get that, others say I'm sorry I hope he recovers quickly. It makes me wonder if they don't understand what I'm saying, or just don't know what to answer.
Dear baby boy,
I promise to never forget you. You will always be in my heart. Your siblings will know you as I do, and anyone that will listen will learn.
Just because you aren't here physically doesn't mean that I don't have you with me.
Love mommy
Do I live with explaining constantly as I'm sure referring to them as triplets will result in?
My biggest fear? That Asher will be forgotten. That others won't remember him, his place on this Earth, his role as a sibling, his meaning for me.
Even now while still pregnant I'm sometimes at a loss as to what to say. Mostly I say I'm having three, but one has a birth defect that's not compatible with life. Most people get that, others say I'm sorry I hope he recovers quickly. It makes me wonder if they don't understand what I'm saying, or just don't know what to answer.
Dear baby boy,
I promise to never forget you. You will always be in my heart. Your siblings will know you as I do, and anyone that will listen will learn.
Just because you aren't here physically doesn't mean that I don't have you with me.
Love mommy
Friday, April 30, 2010
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...
The most frequent things I am asked are "why not terminate?" and "what if you find something with the others?"
Lets start with the first. Because this baby is a blessing from God. Every life is sacred and we should do what we can to protect it. I believe God gave me this baby for a reason, and I just need to discover why. Is it to teach me patience? I know I lack in that category sometimes. Being on full bed rest I have to have patience. I asked the Doc if things would have been different with 1, or even just 2 babies, he said most likely, but we will never know. I can't focus on that, but on what we have now.
The second...What if there is something wrong with them? I won't terminate for that either. What will it do to me emotionally...who knows, I will probably have a complete nervous breakdown. No, I can handle it. So far there is nothing showing wrong with them. Their heart beats are beautiful with all 4 chambers seen and their heads perfectly round with the skull intact. Livers are present, 2 perfectly shaped kidneys. The ultrasounds have been perfect, its not likely to find something now.
I'm dealing with knowing I will have a funeral shortly after birth for one. I live knowing its because of a birth defect that can be prevented in 99.9% of the cases. FOLIC ACID.
I will admit that I could better emotionally handle just about any other birth defect, as most of them don't result in death.
It all brings to mind Dickens...It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
I questions myself. My ability to handle this. I'm 21. I'm pregnant. I'm going to give birth, followed by a funeral. How do you even start to plan for that?
Lets start with the first. Because this baby is a blessing from God. Every life is sacred and we should do what we can to protect it. I believe God gave me this baby for a reason, and I just need to discover why. Is it to teach me patience? I know I lack in that category sometimes. Being on full bed rest I have to have patience. I asked the Doc if things would have been different with 1, or even just 2 babies, he said most likely, but we will never know. I can't focus on that, but on what we have now.
The second...What if there is something wrong with them? I won't terminate for that either. What will it do to me emotionally...who knows, I will probably have a complete nervous breakdown. No, I can handle it. So far there is nothing showing wrong with them. Their heart beats are beautiful with all 4 chambers seen and their heads perfectly round with the skull intact. Livers are present, 2 perfectly shaped kidneys. The ultrasounds have been perfect, its not likely to find something now.
I'm dealing with knowing I will have a funeral shortly after birth for one. I live knowing its because of a birth defect that can be prevented in 99.9% of the cases. FOLIC ACID.
I will admit that I could better emotionally handle just about any other birth defect, as most of them don't result in death.
It all brings to mind Dickens...It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of incredulity, it was the season of Light, it was the season of Darkness, it was the spring of hope, it was the winter of despair.
I questions myself. My ability to handle this. I'm 21. I'm pregnant. I'm going to give birth, followed by a funeral. How do you even start to plan for that?
I know I really need to stop reading things. I came across two articles tonight about babies born with anencephaly. One lived 3 yrs, one 18 months.
I ask myself if its really possible. The girl that lived 3 yrs, she was on a vent periodically and had a lot of respiratory problems. The other had a feeding tube and was on oxygen in her nose. They both had only a brain stem.
Do I want to hope, do we try, do we just wait and see?
I really don't know where to go. Hell, half the time lately I don't know which way is up.
Dear Asher,
how I wish you could talk to me, to tell me what I need to know, to tell me what you need.
Instead I try to make plans for you, for us, when there is a black curtain stopping me from seeing.
I know I have been unrealistic in some of my plans and ideas, but I hold a hope that there is a chance for us.
I live each day knowing that you won't be with us long, each day so far is a gift, and my one desire is to meet you alive. To hold and kiss you, to feel your sweet breath and the soft beat of your heart.
For now I have to content myself to seeing it on scans. You are so close to your sister its often hard to find just your heartbeat, they give up and just use an ultrasound. I don't mind this, as it gives me another chance to see you.
I love you
I ask myself if its really possible. The girl that lived 3 yrs, she was on a vent periodically and had a lot of respiratory problems. The other had a feeding tube and was on oxygen in her nose. They both had only a brain stem.
Do I want to hope, do we try, do we just wait and see?
I really don't know where to go. Hell, half the time lately I don't know which way is up.
Dear Asher,
how I wish you could talk to me, to tell me what I need to know, to tell me what you need.
Instead I try to make plans for you, for us, when there is a black curtain stopping me from seeing.
I know I have been unrealistic in some of my plans and ideas, but I hold a hope that there is a chance for us.
I live each day knowing that you won't be with us long, each day so far is a gift, and my one desire is to meet you alive. To hold and kiss you, to feel your sweet breath and the soft beat of your heart.
For now I have to content myself to seeing it on scans. You are so close to your sister its often hard to find just your heartbeat, they give up and just use an ultrasound. I don't mind this, as it gives me another chance to see you.
I love you
Thursday, April 29, 2010
Still in the hospital. Still having high blood pressure.
The babies are growing and growing well. I'm measuring near 28 wks., at 17.
17 wks, it doesn't seem like that far into it. Just 3 wks till I reach what is the halfway point of most pregnancies. It's hard to believe that I'm nearly there. July 12 is our first goal. 28 wks.
I feel them moving more and more, all over, though the last 2 days its been more in the upper left, Asher reminding me in my worst moments, that he is still here, still with us.
We have been working on a birth and care plan. There are a few things we want done, all realistic.
Some points in it:
***********************************************************************************
We haven't decided yet if we will have the other babies with us. It's possible, or we may leave them in the nursery, thats all assuming they won't need the NICU, if they need the NICU then its not a decision we will have to make. There will be no need for him to have shots or anything like that, so why bother, its a few minutes less of his life that we will have with him. Feeding, thats the one most people question. Because of his lack of brain he won't feel hunger or thirst. Some people believe feeding anencephalic babies prolongs their life, others don't. I don't know either way. I know feeding is a normal newborn activity, and its something we can do for him. I was told if I want, I can even try to breastfeed him. I'm not sure yet what I will do. Mike and I plan to finish the care plan and give copies to the doctors and nurses involved ahead of time. I want them to know us, and know what we want. We will add at the end that we know things can change and we can be flexible.
The babies are growing and growing well. I'm measuring near 28 wks., at 17.
17 wks, it doesn't seem like that far into it. Just 3 wks till I reach what is the halfway point of most pregnancies. It's hard to believe that I'm nearly there. July 12 is our first goal. 28 wks.
I feel them moving more and more, all over, though the last 2 days its been more in the upper left, Asher reminding me in my worst moments, that he is still here, still with us.
We have been working on a birth and care plan. There are a few things we want done, all realistic.
Some points in it:
- Asher is not to receive any standard newborn treatments. No vaccinations, no eye ointment, no Vit. K. nothing. They are to wipe him down, wrap him up and put his hat on him, and hand him to his father immediately, he will bring him to me. This way if he is born alive we will have every moment possible with him.
- The only time it will be permitted for him to be away from his mother is immediately after birth. We ask for a private room close to the delivery room where our priest can meet Asher(if its not appropriate for him to come in to the delivery room) and baptize him and do the Anointing of the sick(last rites). This is very important to me.
- Asher will room in every moment he is alive.
- We are to be left alone as much as possible except for family and friends we invite, this will insure we can be a family for however long is possible.
- If he tolerates it, we want to feed him.
- If he lives To the time I discharge we would like to consider the possibility of taking him home with hospice care, and allowing him to die there, hospice will be contacted prior to delivery(by parents) if Asher survives until delivery.
- Asher is to have NO life support done with the exception of oxygen. We do not want his life artificially prolonged.
- If something unexpected or out of the ordinary occurs we are to be notified immediately with all options presented to us and allowed to make the decision regarding what to do.
- Asher is to be treated with respect and dignity at all times. He may not look normal, act normal, or be normal, but regardless, he is a baby who is loved by his family.
- This plan pertains to Asher. The other two are expected to have no problems and we expect every life saving measure to be taken.
***********************************************************************************
We haven't decided yet if we will have the other babies with us. It's possible, or we may leave them in the nursery, thats all assuming they won't need the NICU, if they need the NICU then its not a decision we will have to make. There will be no need for him to have shots or anything like that, so why bother, its a few minutes less of his life that we will have with him. Feeding, thats the one most people question. Because of his lack of brain he won't feel hunger or thirst. Some people believe feeding anencephalic babies prolongs their life, others don't. I don't know either way. I know feeding is a normal newborn activity, and its something we can do for him. I was told if I want, I can even try to breastfeed him. I'm not sure yet what I will do. Mike and I plan to finish the care plan and give copies to the doctors and nurses involved ahead of time. I want them to know us, and know what we want. We will add at the end that we know things can change and we can be flexible.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
BP was 180/114 this morning. I went to the ER for a migraine and they found that. Question is, headache because of the BP or, BP because of headache.
They got it down to 140/90 and admitted me. Its hanging out in that range today. They admitted me to keep an eye on me for the day and for tonight.
I slept a few hours. Still tired though.
Had an ultrasound this morning and they all look ok. every couple hours they hook me up to the fetal monitor for 15 mins or so. The only issue is they can only get two of the babies. Asher being located primarily behind his sister is hard to find. But he is ok, according to ultrasound.
Mike, mom, and dad brought Chinese for dinner tonight. They didn't stay long though because I am tired and dad is going home in the morning. Mike brought me my laptop, and I do have wifi, just don't feel like doing much more than playing solitaire and watching movies.
They got it down to 140/90 and admitted me. Its hanging out in that range today. They admitted me to keep an eye on me for the day and for tonight.
I slept a few hours. Still tired though.
Had an ultrasound this morning and they all look ok. every couple hours they hook me up to the fetal monitor for 15 mins or so. The only issue is they can only get two of the babies. Asher being located primarily behind his sister is hard to find. But he is ok, according to ultrasound.
Mike, mom, and dad brought Chinese for dinner tonight. They didn't stay long though because I am tired and dad is going home in the morning. Mike brought me my laptop, and I do have wifi, just don't feel like doing much more than playing solitaire and watching movies.
Saturday, April 24, 2010
Now that my emotions have stabilized a bit from earlier this week I can think rationally. OK, I admit, I still break down in tears at random moments, but I'm not crying constantly like I did before.
Mike wants me to measure my belly around. Not gonna happen. I don't need to know how big around I am that way.
The babies are very active lately. I feel significant movement in three separate areas, lower left and right, upper left. Thing one and Thing two are lower, girl is bottom left, boy lower right, and Asher is upper left. At times i think Asher is the most active.
Just over 3 wks till I reach the halfway point of 20 wks. The hospital considers age of viability 23 wks. which means before that point they won't try to save them. At 24 wks survival is 50% . At 28 wks its 90%. July 12th is our goal. Thats when Fetus McJitters and Company will be 28 wks.
Its early and I'm the only one up. I love having the quiet. I woke up when Hannah jumped on my belly getting out of bed, after Mike hollered at her to get out because she was all in our faces. I love this dog, but damn she is energetic and has come to think 630 am is wake up time.
Mike wants me to measure my belly around. Not gonna happen. I don't need to know how big around I am that way.
The babies are very active lately. I feel significant movement in three separate areas, lower left and right, upper left. Thing one and Thing two are lower, girl is bottom left, boy lower right, and Asher is upper left. At times i think Asher is the most active.
Just over 3 wks till I reach the halfway point of 20 wks. The hospital considers age of viability 23 wks. which means before that point they won't try to save them. At 24 wks survival is 50% . At 28 wks its 90%. July 12th is our goal. Thats when Fetus McJitters and Company will be 28 wks.
Its early and I'm the only one up. I love having the quiet. I woke up when Hannah jumped on my belly getting out of bed, after Mike hollered at her to get out because she was all in our faces. I love this dog, but damn she is energetic and has come to think 630 am is wake up time.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
What do you do when they tell you one of your triplets won't live? How do you react? What do you say when they tell you your son has just a brain stem?
I admit, my first thought was excuse me doc, but men don't have brains anyway.
Anencephaly. Absence of the brain and part of the skull. A neural tube defect, of which most are preventable with folic acid supplements. So why does our son have this? I took my supplements. I took extra folic acid. But Asher still has this.
Because of my high risk status I see the OB weekly. He does a quick ultrasound in the clinic to check the heartbeats, it's easier than listening and trying to figure out which one is which. At my 15 wk apt he got the best look yet at baby 3. He sent us for a real ultrasound at Benefis. He was there, a perinatologist/OB(Dr. B) who is taking over my care, a neonatologist(Dr. D)that will take care of the babies after birth, and a nurse from the birth center.
There they found we are having 2 boys and a girl, and that one of the boys has anencephaly. Asher Quinn is his name. We felt he needed a name now. The back of his skull failed to form, and he only has a brain stem.
He is alive now, and may be born alive, I hope with all my heart he is.
How do you react when someone asks how you are doing? I don't know how to react. I don't know what to say. or do. I think no one really wants to hear, so I just say I'm ok, When in reality my days and nights are filled with tears, and pretending things are ok when others are around.
I feel like the sky has fallen on me. And the world will never be the same again.
Dear Asher,
The day I found out about you my heart sang. We had recently been told that there were only two of you, and the third hadn't made it. But then there you were, hiding behind your sister. I don't think I stopped smiling for several days.
I admit to being scared at having three babies depending on me for life, but knowing these are to be our only children, I was thrilled.
You were wanted and loved from the start, and you will be to the end.
love,
Mommy
I admit, my first thought was excuse me doc, but men don't have brains anyway.
Anencephaly. Absence of the brain and part of the skull. A neural tube defect, of which most are preventable with folic acid supplements. So why does our son have this? I took my supplements. I took extra folic acid. But Asher still has this.
Because of my high risk status I see the OB weekly. He does a quick ultrasound in the clinic to check the heartbeats, it's easier than listening and trying to figure out which one is which. At my 15 wk apt he got the best look yet at baby 3. He sent us for a real ultrasound at Benefis. He was there, a perinatologist/OB(Dr. B) who is taking over my care, a neonatologist(Dr. D)that will take care of the babies after birth, and a nurse from the birth center.
There they found we are having 2 boys and a girl, and that one of the boys has anencephaly. Asher Quinn is his name. We felt he needed a name now. The back of his skull failed to form, and he only has a brain stem.
He is alive now, and may be born alive, I hope with all my heart he is.
How do you react when someone asks how you are doing? I don't know how to react. I don't know what to say. or do. I think no one really wants to hear, so I just say I'm ok, When in reality my days and nights are filled with tears, and pretending things are ok when others are around.
I feel like the sky has fallen on me. And the world will never be the same again.
Dear Asher,
The day I found out about you my heart sang. We had recently been told that there were only two of you, and the third hadn't made it. But then there you were, hiding behind your sister. I don't think I stopped smiling for several days.
I admit to being scared at having three babies depending on me for life, but knowing these are to be our only children, I was thrilled.
You were wanted and loved from the start, and you will be to the end.
love,
Mommy
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Hospital trip for diabetic ketoacidosis. essentially sugar to high, insulin to low, and body cannibalizing its own fat causing ketones to be released. Not a good thing, though you would think getting rid of fat would be.
PICC line put in, my veins suck and I'm chronically dehydrated from all the puking.
Yes, barfing, aka morning sickness, aka hyperemesis gravidarum. Nothing is staying down. puking every 30-60 mins, sometimes more. I'm losing weight badly. Not a good thing when the doc wants you to gain 60-70 lbs.
On the plus side..... MIKE IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!
The doc with mom's assistance contacted the red cross and filled out paperwork saying that the condition is life threatening to me and the babies and it would be in the best interest of our family to have him home.
Liz, the commanders wife was involved in this to, she was encouraging it. She told her husband(the unit commander) that the stress on Mike knowing all this could be detrimental to the entire unit. He agreed and through the Red Cross got him home.
I had no idea they were doing this. I had actually told mom not to worry about it as he only had a few months left anyway.
And in the meantime...we get to stay in a hotel. Not as fun as it sounds really. Especially considering it's because they are in the process of removing asbestos from our house.
PICC line put in, my veins suck and I'm chronically dehydrated from all the puking.
Yes, barfing, aka morning sickness, aka hyperemesis gravidarum. Nothing is staying down. puking every 30-60 mins, sometimes more. I'm losing weight badly. Not a good thing when the doc wants you to gain 60-70 lbs.
On the plus side..... MIKE IS HOME!!!!!!!!!!
The doc with mom's assistance contacted the red cross and filled out paperwork saying that the condition is life threatening to me and the babies and it would be in the best interest of our family to have him home.
Liz, the commanders wife was involved in this to, she was encouraging it. She told her husband(the unit commander) that the stress on Mike knowing all this could be detrimental to the entire unit. He agreed and through the Red Cross got him home.
I had no idea they were doing this. I had actually told mom not to worry about it as he only had a few months left anyway.
And in the meantime...we get to stay in a hotel. Not as fun as it sounds really. Especially considering it's because they are in the process of removing asbestos from our house.
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Mom left. We home to dad.
As much as I love her, We needed this.
We also found out that one of the implanted embryos is gone. Reabsorbed. This solved the issue of them pushing us to do a selective reduction. Not an option for us.
It's sad, but a little bit of a relief. This is likely our last try at a family. I don't know if I can handle anymore physically or emotionally.
It's a daily roller coaster.
The hormone shots don't help matters any either.
As much as I love her, We needed this.
We also found out that one of the implanted embryos is gone. Reabsorbed. This solved the issue of them pushing us to do a selective reduction. Not an option for us.
It's sad, but a little bit of a relief. This is likely our last try at a family. I don't know if I can handle anymore physically or emotionally.
It's a daily roller coaster.
The hormone shots don't help matters any either.
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Ultrasound day at clinic. 3 embryonic sacs visible. One's slightly smaller than the others, but its there. I'm having 3 babies!
OK I admit, I cried. So did mom.
I really wish Mike were here to share this with me...
Plan is for me to see the OB every week for now, and to see my endocrinologist every 2 wks.
So far my blood sugar has been fairly stable and I love my pump(the OmniPod).
OK I admit, I cried. So did mom.
I really wish Mike were here to share this with me...
Plan is for me to see the OB every week for now, and to see my endocrinologist every 2 wks.
So far my blood sugar has been fairly stable and I love my pump(the OmniPod).
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Monday, January 11, 2010
I know its only been a week, well, not quite, but I had to do it. I had to test. andddddddddd
POSITIVE!
Not just one. Not even two....but 6. I did 6 tests today. I have 4 more to do over the next few days, It's not likely to be the hormones, its been long enough since I had HCG that the shots are out of my system now, and this HCG is me.
I am still on progesterone injections, but they won't make a positive result.
I can't wait till Mike calls!
POSITIVE!
Not just one. Not even two....but 6. I did 6 tests today. I have 4 more to do over the next few days, It's not likely to be the hormones, its been long enough since I had HCG that the shots are out of my system now, and this HCG is me.
I am still on progesterone injections, but they won't make a positive result.
I can't wait till Mike calls!
Thursday, January 7, 2010
I find myself paranoid waiting to test. 3 days post transfer I had some spotting. Called the clinic really upset and the nurse told me to try not to worry, it could possibly be implantation bleeding.
I forgot to mention, mom's here with me. I think she only came to keep me from falling apart when I get the negative result I am expecting.Though 4 of the previous attempts were positive, they just decided not to stick around.
I forgot to mention, mom's here with me. I think she only came to keep me from falling apart when I get the negative result I am expecting.Though 4 of the previous attempts were positive, they just decided not to stick around.
Sunday, January 3, 2010
IVF
Embryo transfer this morning.
Four five day old blastocytes transferred. 24 hrs of bed rest now. Mike called early this morning from Afghanistan. He is hoping for good news soon.
I find it near impossible to wait for test day. Jan 13 is 10 days post transfer, and test day.
8 embryos remaining if this transfer fails. Will I have the mental strength to do it again?
Four five day old blastocytes transferred. 24 hrs of bed rest now. Mike called early this morning from Afghanistan. He is hoping for good news soon.
I find it near impossible to wait for test day. Jan 13 is 10 days post transfer, and test day.
8 embryos remaining if this transfer fails. Will I have the mental strength to do it again?
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